Sunday, May 22, 2011

Taking flight

As Tuesday morning gets closer I can feel a familiar anxiousness building inside of me. This mamma is going back to work, and I am SO nervous about it. Honestly, it feels just like going back to school. Except totally different.

We have been super busy this weekend. Probably for the best. My mind has been completely occupied, so I haven't been able to fret too much about Tuesday morning. Until tonight.  An hour ago, I was trying on possible Tuesday morning "outfit" combinations for Peter. Ugh. I haven't cared about what I wore on a Tuesday morning in eleven months. But I don't suppose my lulu lemons are going to cut it at my new swanky advertising agency, are they?

I really meant to write this totally profound post about what it feels like to be ending my mat leave. But the truth is, I feel kinda spent. I suppose I also feel that what energy I have left, I want to devote to inhaling as much of my little guy as I can tomorrow. So maybe the profoundness will strike in time for Rory's first birthday. But I wouldn't hold your breath.

What I can do though is maybe sum things up a bit... for you, for me, and for my child who is one day going to be reading this...

I made it.

We made it.

And I love you so very very much. You are the most amazing little creature. You have changed me, you have changed us, and everyday I say to myself that I can't believe you are actually ours. You take our breath away. Literally.

And for the record, I have never EVER in my entire life worked as hard as I did this year.

And I have never in my entire life enjoyed more moments, more life, and more of myself.  I am proud of the challenges we have conquered together. I have discovered a depth to myself I didn't know even existed. I love more of myself as a mom, and that is because of you.

Rory, you are a very good baby, and you are a such a HAPPY baby. Your smile makes the faces of strangers everywhere we go light up.  You are the delight much of this world is missing, and I am so honored that even in passing, that I have a child who puts an endless (and without prejudice) amount of smiles back out into the universe.

And as I set the stage to help you enter the world outside our home, I am so proud to take some of the credit for that happiness. I hope you one day will know how so very hard I have tried.

I have loved my time with you. Every single moment. Yeah, even the long and hard ones. I have given you all that I have in this last year together. Sometimes more than I have. Mom's tend to run on a deficit quite a lot actually (someone could have told me).

You are more joy to our lives than I ever dreamed of. 

I have done a lot of personal reflecting on the 'how' of going back to work. I know it's not going to be perfect. I know I won't be able to do what I did before I was a mom. And while very anxious, I feel good that I am setting my own expectations for success.  I am going to try hard. And if I do nothing but set a good example for you, I will feel successful. (You can totally call me out on this Peter the first time I come home with a bottle of wine in my purse in a full on melt down over some website that hasn't launched properly or a failed creative presentation).

And if that summary didn't do the trick... I have a quote from a fantastic collection of short stories written by moms that I have referenced before. I found this anthology early on in my mat leave as a struggled in those early days of who I was and what I was doing.  These words helped a great deal.

~Someday I hope my children will look back and realize I made some sacrifices too . I did it because they are the most important things in the world to me and because with careers, you get a second shot. Maybe not the same glory. Maybe not the same glamour. But with your children, you get one time around and then they're out there in the world, taking what you have given them in the short time that you have. ~

The irony of him holding a globe and wearing a "MAJOR TROUBLE" t-shirt was too much not to post.

Look out world, this kid is preparing for take off.

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